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Op-Ed: Level Of Greatness

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Yesterday was tough. Another “relationship” that I thought had potential burst into flames. I was feeling a little frustrated and defeated. I posted an Instagram story that exclaimed “am I undateable?” My girlfriends all said no, of course not. It helped somewhat but of course that’s what your friends who are boo’d up say. They’re not in your shoes anymore. So I decided to ask my best guy friend the same thing. He said that I need to love myself and stop chasing love. That really got me thinking. Is that what I’m doing?? An hour later, I found myself signing up for Talkspace and having a session with a therapist. It felt great. After I said that on my stories, a good friend of mine sent me a DM last night that really resonated with me. The first sentence said, “No one is on your level of greatness.” NO ONE IS ON MY LEVEL OF GREATNESS. That’s right. NO. ONE. Wow!

And here’s why: I’m beautiful, educated, intelligent, independent, funny, smart, loyal, and creative. I work full time, have a successful side hustle business, and am in the process of starting another business. Basically, I have my shit together. I’m 32 years old. People constantly ask me why I’m not married or if I want to get married. My response to that is I haven’t met anyone who has made me actually want to get married (or settle down or cohabitate). No one is on my level of greatness.

Let’s rewind the tape a few years. 10 years to be exact. When I finished college, I was engaged to someone. We had been dating for a little over a year and had been talking about getting married but nothing too serious. He proposed one day out of the blue and since I cared about him deeply, I said yes. After the initial shock, showing off my ring to all of my girlfriends, and re-telling our proposal story numerous times, reality set in. I wasn’t excited at all about getting married. Actually, I was scared. Was I truly happy with him? Could I actually spend the rest of my life with someone who was so mediocre on every level? I mean, I had to push him to go to law school because he didn’t have the guts to do it himself after being out of college for 5 years for crying out loud. And even though he is now a lawyer, he’s a pencil pusher who doesn’t even litigate at a government agency instead of a high powered lawyer. Definitely not on my level of greatness.

Don’t get me wrong. I have met and dated lots of successful men with different career backgrounds and hobbies who have piqued my interest enough to go out on a date with them since then. They met all of the “paper standards” that I look for in a potential partner but I’d still get bored with them. Yes, they were smart and fun to spend time with but what else you got? I’m not saying that I need to be entertained or anything but there has to be more to the relationship than “what are we going to eat for dinner” every time we make plans. I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to spend time with you. That’s a big deal and you should be grateful. And as such, you should put some thought and effort into our dates. Let’s cook together and fail miserably at it. Or go for a walk and explore the neighborhood. Or have my favorite dessert waiting at your place when we get back from dinner. See? It’s really not that difficult! Also, put your phone down. I’m trying to connect with you. My phone is in my purse while I’m with you so could you show me the same courtesy. Thanks.

Not all guys are bad. I just think our dating culture has made it too easy for them. They don’t have to work as hard to get what they want. If one girl doesn’t give him what he wants, he’ll find a girl who will with a swipe of a finger. That’s what happened to me last year. I met someone who I felt like was on my level. We had amazing chemistry. We could talk about anything and everything. Our dogs even met…and got along (that’s a huge deal because y’all know how Dexter is). Everything was going great. About a month in, things changed. He got scared. He didn’t want to be exclusive (I never asked him to be) and so he took a step back. I never looked at him the same after that. In all honesty, it broke my heart a bit because I was starting to fall for him. But the only thing I could think of was: WTF?! Not once did he ask what I was even looking for and he assumed I was trying to lock him down?? Chill bro, I was just enjoying our time together and we would cross that bridge when we got there!! If we were moving too fast, that was on you. You kept asking me to go out. And if I was free, I said yes. Because I liked you too. What a concept?! We kept seeing each other way longer than I admit I should have and eventually parted ways. Sometimes I wonder what could have been between us if he wasn’t so dumb but I met up with him a few months ago to get the closure I needed and I realized I made the right choice to stop seeing him. He wasn’t on my level of greatness. Not even close.

I deleted all of my dating apps, I’m committing to a weekly therapy session, and doing more self-care. After constantly being underwhelmed by the dating scene in the Bay Area, I’ve decided to take a break. I’m going to focus on self-love instead. My therapist has already been a huge help after one session and I’m so excited about this new journey of self-discovery. I’m also going to focus on growing and expanding my business empire and advancing in my career. In other words, I’m going to do me. So, fellas, until you step your game up, don’t expect me to step down. Just leave me alone. Because you’re not on my level.

xoxo, Amber

P.S. If you’re reading this and you’re wondering if this is about you, it most definitely is.

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